So Close
by babyfinnickcrab828
Summary: Natasha was so close to having what she wanted. She knew she would love it forever, but her chances were spoiled by her past.


At this point, Natasha was freaking out. Like, really terrified. She'd been throwing up all morning and she expected that she looked awful. _What the hell is going on with me?_ Out of fear, Natasha risked a trip to the med bay to speak with a doctor.

"What seems to be bothering you, Miss Romanoff?"

"I don't really know. I've been throwing up all morning, though."

"Oh, I see. Well, I can take a guess as to what you're going through, but I'm not sure how good the news will be for you."

Natasha swore under her breath. "And what am I going through?"

"You're going to have a baby, Agent."

Natasha was baffled. _A baby! I thought it wasn't possible. Not after what the Red Room did to me._

She left the med bay in a state of complete shock. After a quick test, it turned out that three months had passed by and that Natasha was suffering from morning sickness. _Well crap._

Somewhat later, Natasha was called into Fury's office. She was still processing the information herself, so she hadn't heard Fury clearly when he assigned her the mission, nor did it occur to her to tell him the news. So, Natasha took the folder and left. Once she'd returned to her room at S.H.I.E.L.D HQ, and come to her senses, she looked opened the folder.

S.H.I.E.L.D Mission Debrief

Clearance Level 7

June 11th, 2016

Details:

Assassinate Ivan Somodorov

Eliminate O.P.U.S. Project threat

Jet leaves in 30 minutes

Natasha skimmed through the debrief. Simple kill mission. It wasn't until she read the victim's name that her heart skipped a beat. In that moment, she was back to being the scared five year old girl that Ivan had orphaned and kidnapped for the purposes of training an elite assassin. The memories came rushing back, flooding her mind and filling Natasha with fear and dread. She momentarily forgot about the baby, standing frozen in her kitchen and unable to escape the nightmares that were replaying in her mind.

She finally forced her brain to focus on the task at hand. Natasha was trained from a very young age to never say no and back down from a mission; Ivan taught her that. So, Natasha emerged from her room ten minutes later in full gear and ready to go, with a bag in hand that contained all of the necessary weapons and extra ammunition.

Natasha walked onto the plane with full confidence on the outside, but pure terror and dread on the inside. The closest Natasha had been to her home country was Ukraine, but she'd been shot in the stomach. The last time Natasha had been in Russia was fifteen years ago, when she graduated at the top of her Red Room class. Eighteen year old Natasha had spent months after that day planning her escape, and on her first mission as the Black Widow, Natasha took her chance to blast the hell out of that place (gotta blast!).

Now, she was returning to the place and the person who trained her to be who she is today: the Black Widow and one of S.H.I.E.L.D's best agents. Natasha spent the entire plane ride battling three inner Natasha's. The first was "mission Natasha", who only cared for her job and doing it perfectly. The second was "new mother Natasha" who was terrified for the safety of her unborn child. And the last one was "child Natasha", who, though she's never show it, was absolutely horrified to find out what awaited her in Russia. But, Natasha knew already. It was Ivan, the closest thing that she could remember to a father.

Natasha tried to strategize, but her mind was in too many places at once. She finally gave up and settled for gut instinct. An hour or so later (she hadn't been keeping track of time), she landed a few miles outside of the new O.P.U.S. compound. The jet turned on the cloaking device and the pilot told Natasha he's wait for her here. Natasha turned and went off in search of the targeted location. She came upon a hill that turned out to be the outside walls of the compound. Natasha glanced down at what remained of the Red Room and what had been recently transformed into the O.P.U.S. HQ and Ivan's hideout. It looked mostly the same as the hell hole where Natasha had been raised and trained all those years ago.

Natasha allowed herself a moment to close her eyes and muster all the courage she'd need to go forth with the mission. She placed a hand on her stomach, making a silent prayer and promise for the health and well-being of her child. Then she opened her eyes and and ran. She ran down the backside of the hill, towards a large gate that she remembered all too well. Within seconds of her arrival, the guards were down and Natasha was in. Luckily, it was nearing dark and Natasha could easily blend into the nighttime shadows.

Natasha snuck into the compound unseen and made her way down a series of corridors, hoping to find something or someone. She stumbled upon a few memorable rooms, including the target room and the dance studio, and allowed herself only a moment to linger. She didn't want memories to distract her in a mission as important as this one. So Natasha continued on, when she finally realized that this had become too easy. She'd walked down quite a ways and still hadn't encountered another human being. And that's when she saw it. The note on the wall, written in dark blue, Ivan's favorite color.

 _Welcome home, Natashka._ He'd been expecting her the whole time, but Natasha was too encompassed in her own thoughts to notice. As she stood there looking at the note, she senses a presence behind her. She sensed Ivan. She turned around to find her old trainer watching her, an intent smirk on his face. Natasha's mind suddenly retreated into her little girl state, but she managed to coax her mission state out just in time to talk.

"Ivan, you look as awful as ever. Stress getting to you?"

"It is lovely to see you again, little Czarina. It has been almost fifteen years, hasn't it?"

Natasha could only think back to her life as a child in the Red Room, so when she noticed Ivan pulling out a knife, it was too late. She pulled one of her guns out of its holster, ready to shoot, but Ivan was too quick. Let's not forget that he trained her in the first place. Alas, the fight was short and Ivan found he had the upper hand, even in his older age. He took the butt of his knife and knocked Natasha in the back of her head, leaving her knocked out. He lifted her and took her to one of the many Red Room torture rooms.

He lay her down on a chair and and strapped her in. An hour or so later, Natasha woke up with an ache in the back of her head. Her first instinct was to feel lift her hand to the spot, but she found she couldn't move. Her hands were stuck and her body was stuck. _Damn, Ivan._ Natasha was all too familiar with what was going to happen next: torture. It brought her back to her childhood and torture classes. No, the Black Widow wasn't worried about herself. All she cared about was the baby. Maybe he wouldn't find out, because if he did, he most certainly wouldn't spare the poor thing. In fact, he'd go to extra lengths to take it's life, since he was the one who ordered the operation at her graduation ceremony all those years ago. For the first time since the Hulk chased her down in the Hellicarrier, Natasha was scared for survival. Not her survival, but her baby's survival. Though, her survival was a key part of the baby's. Anyhow, Natasha knew it was hopeless to waste her energy trying to get out of this.

* **I didn't want to write a gruesome torture scene, so it there will be a time skip***

Hours later, Ivan's men had unstrapped a very weak Natasha and threw her into her cell. She managed to land in a way that would hurt her more than the baby. She had lost some blood but other than that she'd live. She wondered how long she'd have to endure this. It was night and she was supposed to be back at the jet. No doubt, it went back DC to get backup. By the time anyone got here, she'd probably be dead. She suspected they wouldn't make it in time, and if she died so would the baby, so she was ready to give up. Natasha didn't want to be the Black Widow Ivan had created. She wanted to be the Natasha Romanoff she had worked so hard to create herself. But more than that, she wanted her baby so she could love it and care for it and give it the childhood she never had. Now, Natasha wasn't as willing to give up. Now, Natasha would stop at nothing to protect her unborn baby.

Natasha slept through the night with some of the usual nightmares, except this time they were worse because she was literally in her nightmare. She was in the Red Room again, with Ivan. She tried to sleep because she needed her strength for tomorrow's torture session.

 ***Another torture scene I didn't want to write***

Natasha had endured all of Hell by the time Ivan was done with her. She had lost too much blood to think straight or position herself to help the baby. This was it and she knew it. Her vision began to blacken at the edges as she was flung into her cell. The last thing she felt was the cold floor and her heart break. Some time later, Natasha began to hear voices shouting and guns firing. Was it SHIELD, here to save her and not her baby? She didn't even have to look at the pool of blood she was surrounded in to know that the baby was lost. She opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling, waiting for someone to show up. She knew Steve would be coming for her, he was her boyfriend anyway. But, she wished desperately that it would be someone else because she didn't want to tell Steve about the baby. She knew she had to one day, but she couldn't do it. In the silence, Natasha allowed herself to cry. She moved out of the puddle and into the corner of the room, forming herself into a tight ball and letting the sobs out. Minutes later, Steve and a SHIELD team had come to the rescue, if you could even call it that.

"Natasha!" Steve's voice rang in her ears just before she heard the door get yanked open.

It took all of her effort to raise her head to look at him. And when she did, all Natasha saw was his broken face looking at her own. Steve began to form a word in his mouth but stopped himself as he looked around the room with it's blood. He looked back to her and scooped her into his arms. The blood that covered her was seeping into his own uniform. He brought her into the jet and set her down gently. Neither said a word for the entire trip home. Natasha was taken to the med bay, where they cleaned her and patched up anything they could.

Once they let her go, Steve took her back to her room and she went straight to bed. To be honest, she wanted the comfort of someone's presence, Steve to be exact. But she couldn't, not after losing his unborn child. And Steve knew better than to disturb her, so for a few days he left to herself. Natasha couldn't cope with the pain and all she did was sit on the couch and drink vodka bottle after vodka bottle. She got herself drunk to the point that she even forgot her name. Then she sat there and cried, her body wracking with sobs, until she couldn't cry anymore. She fell asleep right there and woke up in the morning feeling awful.

She went to the bathroom to shower and then came out, changed, and sat down on the couch again. She heard a knock on her door, the knock she'd been dreading. She braced herself and walked over to the door to open it. She found a very distressed Steve, his blue eyes searching her for something, anything really. She almost gave him a sad smile, but her muscles were too tired and weak to move. She let him in and they went to the couch. She had to tell him now, but she couldn't look at him.

"Steve, just before the mission, I found out that I had been three months pregnant. With your baby."

Steve suddenly realized what all that blood meant. He looked at her and she looked at him. She knew that he understood and that she didn't need to continue. He pulled her into his arms and they sat like that in silence.

"I'm sorry, Steve."

"It's not your fault, Nat."

"I love you, Steve."

"I love you too, Nat. I love you, too."


End file.
